As much as you try to tune these people out, they somehow always find a way back into your life. No matter which gym you go to or what time you go, you will always find some of these people peering over your shoulder. While these people make focusing on your workout much more difficult, they make life more interesting and somewhat amusing. Let’s take a moment to appreciate some of these pain in the butt’s…
The HighlighterThese are the girls who frequent neon-colored workout outfits, most of which do not weigh more than 100 lbs (Some guys may apply to this as well, but I’m pretty sure they’re just lost crossing guards). These girls can’t go to the gym without taking a selfie of some sort, usually including her deadly new outfit. I mean if you didn’t post it to your Facebook or Instagram or tweet about it, how do I know if you even worked out? Anyway, as appealing as most of these females look, they serve as a big distraction. While I’m pumping out my last rep of 425 lbs on the bench (okay actually just 225 lbs), I’m suddenly blinded by the flourescent pink sports bra and compression shorts that are currently burning a hole through the floor from the Highlighter’s elliptical. These girls still wonder why they constantly get stared at in the gym. Do us a favor and invest in some less-blinding workout clothes.
The SlobThis guy or gal really drives you up the wall, especially on a crowded gym day/night aka Monday. It’s Monday, you’re tired as poop, and you’re still recovering from a long weekend of alcohol and regret. You’re just trying to get a quick chest swole in but no, The Slob has every set of free weights below 60lbs at his bench. What’s even worse is that he’s too cool to re-rack any of them! Come on bro. It’s fine to leave your room a mess, but don’t leave a public gym floor a mess. As my friends at Retro Shitness say, “If You Can Lift It, You Can Re-rack It!”
Despite being in every gym etiquette list imaginable, this guy (or gal) will always surface. The main purpose of the gym is to workout and get swole, not to be glued to your phone texting the wifey or stalking Facebook. This is the equivalent of studying and doing homework at a club or party. Get your priorities straight. Leave your phone in the locker room or car and the quality of your workout will increase tenfold. Bro Tip: If you rely on your phone for workout music (listening to the same Top 40 songs every day can get tiresome), download a 60 or so minute mix and crank it for the duration of your workout. This will limit taking your phone out by changing tracks. You’ve already got enough distraction to deal with. Try an episode of our Swoltastic Radio for starters.
The HelplessWhile I give all the credit in the world to these unexperienced gym go-ers for making the effort to better their fitness, they really need to stop and seek assistance before continuing their highly questionable and dangerous routines. These people can give you a good chuckle but again they are another distraction. Take a quick, inconspicuous picture then continue on with your workout.
The StalkerAh, the stalker. There’s always at least one of these guys in each gym. This is the guy who spends more time checking out other dudes’ gains then he does actually working out. Self-conscious? You bet. Didn’t you see the size of his legs? Mind your gains, bro.
The ChatterboxWhile it’s nice to make friends and all at the gym, try to limit them to ones that strictly mean business aka working out. The chatterbox will go way beyond the “Hey” and “How are you?” by explaining his entire weekend to you and how he “almost” smashed a bikini model but got too drunk and got kicked out of the club. Bro, no one cares. I’m here to lift. Talk this up with your other brotato’s who don’t know the meaning of quality lifting. Bro Tip: If you’re considering joining a gym or transferring to a new one, consider a gym in the town over from you to minimize encounters with your highly distractive friends.
The Water HogThe water hog is the person who insists on taking a 30 second drink from the water fountain after every single set of every single exercise. Just take a sip and go. There should never be a line at the water fountain. Bro Tip: bring your own water bottle and fill it up at the beginning of your workout. This saves unnecessary trips across the gym floor to get water.
The NudistThis guy always baffles me. There’s an unofficial window of time to put your clothes back on when completing your shower. No one wants to see your old man parts for an extended period of time. No offense. The nail in the coffin is when this guy tries to spark up a conversation with you mid-nude. This is when you run out of the locker room.
The GrunterUnless you’re deadlifting or squatting 1,000 lbs, you shouldn’t feel the need to yell or grunt excessively. Minor grunting is acceptable, however. This is what I call “12 inch grunting” which is any noises coming from your mouth are kept within 12 inches of you. It’s basically the grown up version of that dumb 12 inch voice rule you had in 2nd grade.
Underdressed in the real world is wearing jeans to a business meeting, galla, or dance. The same concept applies to the gym. Everyone stares at you for wearing jeans in both environments. Wearing them in the gym environment not only makes you look dumb, but your performance is shot out the door. How can you move freely in denim? You’re better off working out naked. Okay maybe not…